The whole New Age and Self-help movements are geared towards one thing: finding and keeping inner peace. What these movements miss is that the prerequisite for peace with ourselves is peace with God – the external, objective, personal, creator God. Any religion or philosophy that says we can have peace with ‘God’, the ‘Universe’, ‘Humankind’ or whatever simply by accepting who we are and being kind to other people is rooted in Humanism, a belief that all that we need to live a successful life may be found within. But what happens when we look inside and do not find those resources? Then maybe it’s time to look somewhere else.

Peace with God

What does it mean to have peace with God? Peace is the absence of enmity or discord. Nothing stands between us: no grudges, no guilt and no unfinished business. The result of that peace is an easy relationship where we are comfortable in God’s presence.

 This wonderful state of being, this Fruit of the Spirit in our lives, is a result of our reconciliation to God through Jesus’ death and resurrection.

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. (Romans 5:1-2)

When we ask Jesus to come into our lives and free us from all the stuff that stands between us and God (aka ‘sin’) the slate is wiped clean and we are at peace with God.

When the peace doesn’t hold

Unfortunately, the slate doesn’t stay clean. As human beings we are prone to sin and put at risk the peace we have with God. How many times do we have to push Him before the peace treaty is revoked? I wonder the same whenever I hear that North Korea has tested yet another nuclear device. How long will the peace hold?

How far can we push God? There is a theological debate about whether or not we can lose our status of ‘being saved’ if we continue to sin without repenting (see for example Hebrews 10:26 – 29 which warns us not to push God too far). But that’s a discussion for another article. What I will say here is that if we confess our sins God will wipe the slate clean again and again (see 1 John 1:9). A lifestyle that seeks to be at peace with God is one that reflects true Salvation. Once you’ve tasted peace, do not let it go.

The peace of self-knowledge

With that sermon out of the way let me backtrack and say that the New Age and Self Help movements have got something right: accepting who we are is to be found on the path of peace, but this is a result of peace with God not a cause of it. It is the Holy Spirit who shows us who we really are. The ugly, sinful parts need to be repented of. But there are other parts that need to be loved. I will never be a tall, leggy modelesque beauty. I need to accept that and love little old me just as I am. I’ll never be a great athlete. I’ll never be good at mathematics. I’ll never be a gifted pianist. Some of these things are genetic, some due to lack of opportunity (or application!) as a child. I cannot spend my life regretting who I am not nor yearning for who I might have been. That is not the road to peace.

Let us not be like the man who looks in the mirror then immediately forgets what he looks like (James 1:23-24). Let us see ourselves for who we really are: the good and the bad. Let us love what needs to be loved and hate what needs to be hated and ask God to grant us the peace to be who He created us to be.

Bringing peace to others

But it doesn’t stop there. Once we have peace with God and peace with ourselves, we need to bring peace to others.

Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called sons of God (Matthew 5:9)

Peace on earth is one of God’s goals. This peace will only be fully established when the Lord’s Kingdom rule is extended throughout the world at His second coming, when evil will once and for all be defeated. Until then, there will be pockets of peace, as the angel proclaimed, in men on whom his favour rests (Luke 2:14).  It is the job of every Christian to extend the peace that is ours to influence the world around us.

This can take many forms. One way is to refuse to engage in any activity that spreads strife: refraining from sharing a juicy piece of gossip at the water cooler; choosing not to respond in kind when your irritated spouse snaps at you; biting your tongue and not having the last word in an argument; backing down from a ‘road rage’ incident – these are all ways in which the enemy of peace – enmity – can be stripped of its power.

Being a bridgebuilder

Another way is to be a mediator or bridge builder. The willingness to see both sides of an argument is something that should be cultivated. However, I’m disappointed to say that I rarely see it in Christians. The aggressive, uncompromising stance of much of the Church has done a lot of damage. Yes, we are called to be defenders of the truth, but more harm than good is often done in the way we do it.

People like this revel in the verse at the end of the Beatitudes: ‘Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me.’ (Matthew 5:11)  But is it really because of God that people get their backs up in your presence, or simply because of you? We need to find the balance between being a defender of the truth and a peacemaker.

By God’s grace, we can compromise without compromising Him.

Finding a place of peace

The final aspect of peace I would like to look at is finding a place of peace. I was initially going to write an article on patience for this edition, but with the deadline only a few days away I felt God impressing me to change it to peace. God is one thing, but the editor is another! She was on holiday and I didn’t want to bother her, but I sent her a quick message. She responded by voicemail saying: ‘No probs to change the subject. Off for another boat ride on the Broads this morning then for a spot of retailtherapy@peace.com’. Ahh, that’s the life!

I missed my August holiday this year because my daughter had Swine Flu. We’re not even into September and I’m already feeling it. I need to find a place of peace to recuperate soon, even if it’s only for a long weekend. Build time into your lives to reclaim your peace. Yes, it needs to be done every day with God, but we need time away from all the pressures that threaten our inner peace too. Jesus needed it. Many times in the Gospels we read that he went off alone. This was the time he recharged his batteries, spent quality time with God and strengthened the peace within Him.

As a mother with a small child this ‘peace time’ is often difficult to find, so I need to be creative in how I do it. Sometimes just washing the dishes with a worship cd playing while my daughter watches Scooby Doo next door can give me an oasis of peace. When was the last time you were in a place of peace?

This article first appeared in Plain Truth, Autumn 2009, as ‘Peace Perfect Peace’

Fight the flab, beat the bulge and count the calories. We’ve all heard the mantras of the weight-loss brigade and I can bet nearly every one of us could quote our height, weight and body mass index without giving it much thought. For example, I’m … no, I’ll reveal that little secret later.

But in recent years our weight, and our right to choose whether or not to change it, has stopped being a private issue and has moved into the realm of public policy. With headlines screaming: ‘Obesity could bankrupt the NHS’[1], the government and health authorities are working overtime to change the nation’s waistline.

Image courtesy of didbygraham

Celebrity campaigns

Celebrity campaigns in the UK such as ‘Jamie’s school dinners’, which have led to the compulsory reduction of junk food in schools and legislation to ban the advertising of unhealthy snacks on children’s television, hope to encourage the upcoming generation towards good eating habits. But the debate goes on. Who’s to blame: the parents; the schools; the media; the convenience culture?

An influential report in the British Medical Journal[2], which revealed that obesity took up 9% of the NHS budget, suggested that a fat helpline number be printed on the labels of larger-sized clothes. A report by the World Health Organisation revealed that over a billion people worldwide are overweight and that around 70% of all illnesses are weight-related.[3]

So our weight is no longer measured on a scale but as a financial cost to the system. And I bet it won’t be long before we can work out, along with our carbon footprint, exactly how much our weight ‘costs’.

A visible vice

As someone noted on a recent internet forum when I mentioned that I was doing this article, fat is a visible vice. Issues with overeating are far more difficult to hide than drinking, smoking and participating in reckless activities, all of which have negative affects on the NHS and society at large. Nine per cent of the health budget may be spent on the obese (people with a BMI of over 30) but between £300 and £400 million a year are ‘wasted’ on people with stress-related illnesses within the health sector alone.[4] Come on people: just say ‘no’ to stress!

Hang on, I hear you say, surely it’s not a bad thing to encourage healthier bodies and lifestyles. Of course not. Good health is a precious thing; but what concerns me in the politicisation of fat is the stigmatising of people who are considered a burden on tax-payers’ pockets. And that’s what it comes down to. Your fat is no longer your business because it has an impact on the girth of my wallet.

Vital Statistics

I am appalled at the way overweight people are now being portrayed as simply a drain on the system. And perhaps now is the point where I reveal my own vital statistics. Just when you were beginning to think, ‘oh here’s another fatty trying to justify her lack of self-control’, here are the metric facts:

• I am 1.57 m in height.
• I am 50 kg in weight.
• I have a BMI of 20.3 (well within the healthy range).
• My waist/hip ratio is 0.7 (apparently the optimum for fertility and brainpower!)[5]
• I wear a UK size 8/10.
• I am 38 years old.
• I have given birth in the last three years.
• I have no criminal record.
• I’m self-employed and …
• I recycle!

So by nearly every official standard I am a model citizen. At least on the outside. On the inside I am the same mix of good and bad, healthy attitudes and destructive insecurities as everyone else. And bringing it into a Christian context, I’m just as much a ‘sinner’ as my fatter neighbour. It would be easy to consider myself slightly more virtuous because at least I have my weight under control, but that wouldn’t be accurate. In my case, I’m naturally thin. I’ve never dieted, I only exercise moderately and I don’t always eat five fruit and veg a day. OK, I don’t stuff myself with food and only have small portions, but that’s because I don’t need any more. I’m not driven by the complex of physical and emotional compulsions that beset people with weight issues. I wouldn’t mind being a bit more toned and have a little less cellulite, but by and large, I’ve got a good package. The fact is I was born this way. To assume I’m morally superior because of it, would be like claiming I’m more intelligent simply because I’m a natural brunette (tempting though that is!)

Who are you to judge?

I’m well aware that there are people who have conquered their weight issues by sheer hard work, but they too should not be quick to judge. God has called us to love our neighbours and have compassion on those who fail to live up to society’s standards. And if He can have compassion on everyone who fails to live up to His standards (which is all of us), who are we to withhold that grace from others. Under-age single mothers, people with lifestyle-induced cancers, the millions of people suffering with sexually transmitted diseases, drug addictions, alcohol addictions, gambling addictions … who are we to withhold love and compassion from them?

Thin thoughts

Before we close this subject, I would like to say something about being underweight. As much as I’m concerned by the anti-obesity campaign, I’m equally troubled by the witch-hunt around so-called Size Zeros. There are serious health issues linked to being underweight, and young women, particularly, suffer the consequences of eating disorders in their quest to achieve an unattainable goal. But not every slim person is underweight, nor do they have eating disorders. All my life I’ve been on the receiving end of snide comments from larger people suggesting I’m anorexic or eat too little. At church functions some well-meaning fuller-figured person will pile food on my plate, suggesting I need to fatten up. And when my daughter was only six months old and comfortably on the 9th growth percentile, a health visitor told me to make sure I didn’t impose my ‘ideas about eating’ on her!

It’s a horrible feeling to think that there must be something wrong with you and in this way I can identify with overweight people. The truth is I’m not underweight. I’m the right weight for me. But even if I wasn’t, who are you to judge?

BMI Calculator

Weight (kg):

Body Mass Index

Body Mass Index (BMI) is a commonly used indicator of ideal weight, and is simply defined as the ratio of your weight to the square of your height.

Enter your info in our BMI calculator to find out your BMI (your data will not be posted to our server, stored in a database, or shared with anyone).

Waist-hip ratio

It’s widely recognised that BMI is not always an accurate measurement of a person’s health. For example, a well-toned 100 kg professional rugby player with a BMI of 30 may be far from unhealthy as muscle weighs more than fat. So some health professionals are moving towards using a waist-hip ratio (WHR), which is simply the ratio of your waist circumference to your hip circumference.

Although people’s weight and BMI may vary widely, as long as they have a WHR of around 0.7 for Caucasian women and 0.9 for Caucasian men, they are considered healthy. Asians may have a slightly lower WHR and Africans slightly higher but still be considered healthy within their ethnic group.

‘Size Zero’

Size 0 is an American dress size, the equivalent of a UK Size 4. However, it’s now become a derogatory label for any slim woman, and many so-called Size Zeros may not in fact be that size. Someone once called me a Size Zero, when I was actually a Size 8 (American Size 4) and I certainly hadn’t starved myself to get to that weight.

If you have any concerns about being over or underweight, visit your GP. For general health advice on weight issues and any other questions visit NHS Direct.

Footnotes

[1] BBC News 24, 15 December 2006

[2] ‘Obesity, Can We Turn the Tide?’, Laurence Gruer, George Alberti, Naveed Sattar, British Medical Journal, 16 December 2006

[3] ‘Global Strategy on Diet, Physical Activity and Health’, WHO, 2007.

[4] ‘Workplace Stress’, NHS Employers, 2007

[5] ‘Waist-hip ratio and Cognitive Ability’, Lassek, W and Gaulin, S., Evolution and Human Behaviour, July 2007

First published in Plain Truth, January 2008

‘Mr Mum’ has finally come out of the broom closet and doesn’t give two hoots what you think of him. And neither, for that matter, does his wife. Once the butt of jokes, the stay-at-home dad is an increasingly common feature of British life with seven out of ten fathers saying they would be happy to look after baby if given the choice (YouGov survey for Mothercare, January 2004).

Although 70% say they would, only around 5% actually do (Home Dad UK survey, 2001). But that doesn’t include the dads who work part-time so they can take a more active role in parenting – this has more than tripled in the last decade.

Fathers Direct CEO Duncan Fisher realises that despite the increase, home fathering is still the exception rather than the rule. ‘It can be quite frightening stepping out of the mould and staying at home. But then I discovered what it is like to know the intimate rhythms of your children’s lives and I realised this would all be over in a few years – while I have decades more to work. But staying at home – whether mum or dad – is not celebrated as an achievement even though, when you get to the end of some days, you know it is one of the hardest jobs ever.’

Nick Cavender, a former Local Government Officer, has been a stay-at-home dad since 1999. He and his wife Kristin have two children, Phoebe (8) and Ben (3). Nick set up HomeDad UK to provide support and information for dads at home.

Government help

He says: ‘The government has done a lot to help. Dads now have a right to paid paternity leave, and can ask for flexible working. It’s become more acceptable for men to work from home, or go into the office later, so they can take their kids to school. That’s a really positive step, for both dads and their kids.

‘Sure Start has made a big difference too in raising awareness of the needs of dads. At HomeDad UK we’re getting more approaches from people working with children asking how they can make their services more inclusive and dad-friendly. That’s real progress.’

I decided it was time to meet some of these home dads face-to-face. We approached three families and asked them why they had chosen this parenting arrangement and what they felt they had lost or gained.

The Vittys (Newcastle upon Tyne)
Dad: Richard
Mum: Leslie
The Kids: Caitlin (10) Erin (5)

Richard has been a stay-at-home dad or, in his own words, a ‘house husband’ for the last 10 years. When Leslie’s six-month maternity leave came to an end they were faced with a choice: putting the baby in childcare or one parent staying at home. ‘We looked at childcare costs,’ says Leslie, ‘and they were just too high. Also, even if we could afford it financially, we would still have the problem of neither of us having the flexibility to stay off work if Caitlin was sick.’

So the only question for the Vittys was: which parent would stay home and which would go to work? At the time Richard was unhappy in his job as a leisure centre manager and wanted a change. Leslie, on the other hand, really enjoyed her job as an area manager for a bank and would have been sad to give it up.

At first, it was just an experiment. ‘If Richard was unhappy we would have looked at it again,’ says Leslie. But ten years and another child later, it’s working for everyone.

‘I like the flexibility it gives me,’ says Richard. ‘Now that the kids are at school I’m asked when I’m going back to work. But most people are just joking. I do a bit of part-time squash coaching now and will pick up more as the kids get older. Leslie wouldn’t have been able to get where she is now if she’d had to stay at home. It works for all of us.’

However, some financial sacrifices have been made. ‘We don’t have an extravagant lifestyle,’ says Leslie,’and anyone thinking of doing what we’re doing will have to be prepared to cut back on some things. On the other hand, if Richard had been working, nearly all of his salary would have gone on childcare anyway.’

And what about other sacrifices? Does Leslie feel she’s missed out on anything? ‘I worried at the beginning that the kids would be more for Richard and that I would get pushed out. But it’s been the opposite. The girls are very much for me when I come home. And they have all of me on a weekend. It’s enriched my relationship with them. There are times when I wish I could do the school run and that, but it works best for us this way as a family.’

The Scarrs (Whitley Bay)
Dad: Colin
Mum: Debbie
The Kids: Rebecca (7) Paul (5)

Colin, an accountant, has been at home since his son was 18 months old. Debbie is an occupational therapist but had not worked since her daughter Rebecca was born. However, because she had been off work for nearly five years, she would have had to retrain to work in her profession again. At the same time, Colin was unhappy at work and wanted a chance to do something different.

So Debbie and Colin swapped roles. But it wasn’t as easy as Colin thought it would be. ‘I had the idea that being a full-time dad would be great, that it would be easy, but it wasn’t. The most difficult thing was the repetition – the same routine every day. It’s just you and a child, who, at that stage, can’t really communicate. Then getting my daughter ready for school and the anxiety connected with that.

‘Many men think that childcare just happens like clockwork. When they come home from work, everything’s done. That’s not how it is.’

After six months Colin decided that he’d had enough. But he didn’t want to give up on home parenting completely. Fortunately, an opportunity arose for Colin to work two days a week while Debbie worked three. They feel it’s the perfect parenting balance.

‘We’re fortunate that we are both able to spend quality time with the children,’ says Debbie. ‘Colin is a role model, particularly for Paul. We both have different approaches, so the children get a greater range of experiences. It’s nice, as a mother, to be able to come in to my tea on the table on days when I work. And we share the domestic chores. Then there’s the thrill of opening my lunch box and finding the occasional love letter!’

The Hudsons (Morpeth)
Dad: Tom
Mum: Mira
The kids: Rebekah (3) Alice (18 months)

Tom is a teacher by profession but chose to stay home with the children so that Mira could finish training as a GP. ‘We didn’t want the kids to spend all their time in a nursery,’ says Tom, ‘and it didn’t make financial sense either. So we decided that one of us needed to stay at home.’

Tom has been using his time to study for a Masters in Theology but intends to go back to full-time work when Mira is qualified. She will then work part-time.

Tom and Mira feel there are pros and cons to their parenting arrangement. ‘Mira has missed the kids a lot and at times has felt guilty for not being around for them more. I have sometimes felt a bit isolated because there is not a lot of provision for dads with toddlers. I’ve attended a few toddler groups but they are not that dad-friendly. Perhaps there should be groups just for dads with bacon sandwiches and outside activities.

‘On the plus side though I’ve been able to develop a close bond with the kids which will last into the future. Hopefully they will grow to understand that parenthood is a shared calling and shouldn’t be narrowly stereotyped in an increasingly complicated world.’

Help for Home Dads

Thinking of having dad at home either full or part-time? Contact Home Dad UK or Fathers Direct for advice on everything from how to change nappies to how to ask your employer for time off.

Appeared in Woman Alive as ‘Partners in Parenting’, June 2007