Fiona Veitch Smith

‘Mr Mum’ has finally come out of the broom closet and doesn’t give two hoots what you think of him. And neither, for that matter, does his wife. Once the butt of jokes, the stay-at-home dad is an increasingly common feature of British life with seven out of ten fathers saying they would be happy to look after baby if given the choice (YouGov survey for Mothercare, January 2004).

Although 70% say they would, only around 5% actually do (Home Dad UK survey, 2001). But that doesn’t include the dads who work part-time so they can take a more active role in parenting - this has more than tripled in the last decade.

Fathers Direct CEO Duncan Fisher realises that despite the increase, home fathering is still the exception rather than the rule. ‘It can be quite frightening stepping out of the mould and staying at home. But then I discovered what it is like to know the intimate rhythms of your children’s lives and I realised this would all be over in a few years - while I have decades more to work. But staying at home - whether mum or dad - is not celebrated as an achievement even though, when you get to the end of some days, you know it is one of the hardest jobs ever.’

Nick Cavender, a former Local Government Officer, has been a stay-at-home dad since 1999. He and his wife Kristin have two children, Phoebe (8) and Ben (3). Nick set up HomeDad UK to provide support and information for dads at home.

Government help

He says: ‘The government has done a lot to help. Dads now have a right to paid paternity leave, and can ask for flexible working. It’s become more acceptable for men to work from home, or go into the office later, so they can take their kids to school. That’s a really positive step, for both dads and their kids.

‘Sure Start has made a big difference too in raising awareness of the needs of dads. At HomeDad UK we’re getting more approaches from people working with children asking how they can make their services more inclusive and dad-friendly. That’s real progress.’

I decided it was time to meet some of these home dads face-to-face. We approached three families and asked them why they had chosen this parenting arrangement and what they felt they had lost or gained.

The Vittys (Newcastle upon Tyne)
Dad: Richard
Mum: Leslie
The Kids: Caitlin (10) Erin (5)

Richard has been a stay-at-home dad or, in his own words, a ‘house husband’ for the last 10 years. When Leslie’s six-month maternity leave came to an end they were faced with a choice: putting the baby in childcare or one parent staying at home. ‘We looked at childcare costs,’ says Leslie, ‘and they were just too high. Also, even if we could afford it financially, we would still have the problem of neither of us having the flexibility to stay off work if Caitlin was sick.’

So the only question for the Vittys was: which parent would stay home and which would go to work? At the time Richard was unhappy in his job as a leisure centre manager and wanted a change. Leslie, on the other hand, really enjoyed her job as an area manager for a bank and would have been sad to give it up.

At first, it was just an experiment. ‘If Richard was unhappy we would have looked at it again,’ says Leslie. But ten years and another child later, it’s working for everyone.

‘I like the flexibility it gives me,’ says Richard. ‘Now that the kids are at school I’m asked when I’m going back to work. But most people are just joking. I do a bit of part-time squash coaching now and will pick up more as the kids get older. Leslie wouldn’t have been able to get where she is now if she’d had to stay at home. It works for all of us.’

However, some financial sacrifices have been made. ‘We don’t have an extravagant lifestyle,’ says Leslie,’and anyone thinking of doing what we’re doing will have to be prepared to cut back on some things. On the other hand, if Richard had been working, nearly all of his salary would have gone on childcare anyway.’

And what about other sacrifices? Does Leslie feel she’s missed out on anything? ‘I worried at the beginning that the kids would be more for Richard and that I would get pushed out. But it’s been the opposite. The girls are very much for me when I come home. And they have all of me on a weekend. It’s enriched my relationship with them. There are times when I wish I could do the school run and that, but it works best for us this way as a family.’

The Scarrs (Whitley Bay)
Dad: Colin
Mum: Debbie
The Kids: Rebecca (7) Paul (5)

Colin, an accountant, has been at home since his son was 18 months old. Debbie is an occupational therapist but had not worked since her daughter Rebecca was born. However, because she had been off work for nearly five years, she would have had to retrain to work in her profession again. At the same time, Colin was unhappy at work and wanted a chance to do something different.

So Debbie and Colin swapped roles. But it wasn’t as easy as Colin thought it would be. ‘I had the idea that being a full-time dad would be great, that it would be easy, but it wasn’t. The most difficult thing was the repetition - the same routine every day. It’s just you and a child, who, at that stage, can’t really communicate. Then getting my daughter ready for school and the anxiety connected with that.

‘Many men think that childcare just happens like clockwork. When they come home from work, everything’s done. That’s not how it is.’

After six months Colin decided that he’d had enough. But he didn’t want to give up on home parenting completely. Fortunately, an opportunity arose for Colin to work two days a week while Debbie worked three. They feel it’s the perfect parenting balance.

‘We’re fortunate that we are both able to spend quality time with the children,’ says Debbie. ‘Colin is a role model, particularly for Paul. We both have different approaches, so the children get a greater range of experiences. It’s nice, as a mother, to be able to come in to my tea on the table on days when I work. And we share the domestic chores. Then there’s the thrill of opening my lunch box and finding the occasional love letter!’

The Hudsons (Morpeth)
Dad: Tom
Mum: Mira
The kids: Rebekah (3) Alice (18 months)

Tom is a teacher by profession but chose to stay home with the children so that Mira could finish training as a GP. ‘We didn’t want the kids to spend all their time in a nursery,’ says Tom, ‘and it didn’t make financial sense either. So we decided that one of us needed to stay at home.’

Tom has been using his time to study for a Masters in Theology but intends to go back to full-time work when Mira is qualified. She will then work part-time.

Tom and Mira feel there are pros and cons to their parenting arrangement. ‘Mira has missed the kids a lot and at times has felt guilty for not being around for them more. I have sometimes felt a bit isolated because there is not a lot of provision for dads with toddlers. I’ve attended a few toddler groups but they are not that dad-friendly. Perhaps there should be groups just for dads with bacon sandwiches and outside activities.

‘On the plus side though I’ve been able to develop a close bond with the kids which will last into the future. Hopefully they will grow to understand that parenthood is a shared calling and shouldn’t be narrowly stereotyped in an increasingly complicated world.’

Help for Home Dads

Thinking of having dad at home either full or part-time? Contact Home Dad UK or Fathers Direct for advice on everything from how to change nappies to how to ask your employer for time off.

Appeared in Woman Alive as ‘Partners in Parenting’, June 2007

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